Finding Healing from Shame

Understanding Shame Language and Its Effects

There are times when we experience recurring negative thoughts—phrases like "I am so dumb," "I'm ugly," "I'm worthless," or "I'm inadequate". These harsh self-criticisms are what Marilyn Hontz refers to as "shame language." This form of self-talk often extends to unhealthy comparisons with others, such as wondering, "Why can't I be like him or her?"

Neil Anderson, author of Victory Over the Darkness and other books on healing and deliverance, calls these persistent, self-defeating thoughts "nagging thoughts of self-defeat." Such beliefs are lies from the enemy, the devil, and stand in direct contrast to how God views us. The Bible tells us that we are God's beloved (Song of Solomon 6:3) and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

Marilyn Hontz, the wife of a former senior pastor at Central Wesleyan Church in Holland, Michigan, delves deeper into this topic in her book, Shame Lifter.

Personal Reflections on Marilyn Hontz’s Message

Reading Marilyn’s story is both profound, compelling, and deeply moving. I had to pause, reflect, pray, and gather myself while reading it. I would recommend her book to anyone seeking relief from shame. The book recounts Marilyn’s life, exploring her childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. She describes how her Heavenly Father gently guided her, revealing areas in her life that need healing. Through God's power, Marilyn experienced deep and ongoing healing.

Key Lessons from "Shame Lifter"

1. Shame can take root in just a single traumatic experience or relationship, growing over time until it dominates our lives. Marilyn’s longing for her father’s love and affirmation led to lasting emotional pain. Despite receiving love and acceptance from her family and friends, Marilyn’s emotional deprivation overshadowed these positive relationships. She explains that the lies she believed about herself persisted because she felt she had to earn Jesus' love. In our "pay for performance" culture, this mindset easily influences our relationships, even with God.

2. God knows and meets our deepest needs. In Matthew 6:8, Jesus said, “Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.” Our Heavenly Father knows the deepest longings of our hearts. He is gentle, loving, and kind. God understands us better than we understand ourselves. He also knows that we have been wounded and need healing.

We also have a part to play in this healing journey. True healing begins only when we acknowledge our pain and invite Him in. Marilyn’s healing started when she recognized and admitted her need for help. God did not let her down, and He will not fail us either.

3. Healing is a gradual process. Recovery from shame and its effects takes time, in fact. God is gracious toward us. We probably should also extend grace towards ourselves as well. My own experience with healing and deliverance a few years ago involved forgiving those who hurt me, asking the Lord for forgiveness for my own sins, renouncing the lies I believed in, believing the truth, and praying through my wounds.

The process of overcoming shame and woundedness does not happen overnight. God, our "ultimate shame lifter," knows when we are ready and guides us gently and lovingly toward healing.

There is so much more to gain from Marilyn Hontz's book, Shame Lifter. I encourage you to read it yourself and share your thoughts. This book offers hope and insight to anyone seeking freedom from the grip of shame.